When you want ‘Cake’…but not Cake…

I am distressed readers. There are people out there who want all the fun of a cake without the actual cake part…

We shall call these monstrosities ‘Cake Wannabes’, the creations that exist in dark alleyways, in the shadow of the glorious Cake, and can only imagine what life must be like to be a cake…but can only live up to being cake-like. Made out of rice krispies…and actual Cheese Cakes. Imagine how disappointed you’d be going through all the trouble of going to a wedding with the expectation of free cake…only to be handed a slice of cheese instead…because the happy couple arn’t ‘sweet tooth people’ i.e these people are not normal.

So, if you can handle it, here are some ‘Cakes’ that can only dream of being the real thing…and serve only to bemuse and anger those who just want a piece of cake!

The Rice Krispy ‘Cake’

A Chocolate Fountain instead of Cake…you see readers, in my head, why not have the cake and the fountain, and dip the cake in the fountain? Seems obvious…

Also, I see one glaring problem with the photo below…are you meant to stick the entire Pineapple in the fountain?!

Not sure you’d be able to cut this next one…

Jelly Wedding Cake

This next photo nearly brought a tear to my eye readers…for this ‘Cake’ is so far from Cake it genuinely isn’t even funny. It’s not even an edible replacement for a cake…

It’s a 100 boxes.


This really would be the icing on the non existent cake for me. No cake and a free box? Lucky guests…

This next photograph isn’t so much shocking, but a stroke of genius…now before you think I’ve gone mad condoning these Cake Wannabes…I merely suggest the following as an addition to the main cake event!

Donuts - Wedding Cake Alternative

Who says you can’t have your cake and eat your doughnuts too? (Note the Doughnut ‘Cake’ in the bottom left…4 tiers of heaven.)

Marshmallow Overload…

Sweet wedding cake

This one both scared and scarred me readers…behold…The Pork Pie Wedding Cake…let’s hope there weren’t any Vegetarians in the building…although they could have had one of the tomatoes…

Pork Pie Wedding Cake

No you’re eyes arn’t deceiving you…this is a genuine Pizza Cake…

Pizza Wedding Cake

And if you don’t see a problem with a Pizza Cake…you’ll hardly be shocked by a Giant Burger Cake…

Hamburger Wedding Cake

And here’s the offensive Cheese ‘Cake’…yummy


And a slightly different take on the ol’ Cheese Cake…

Wouldn’t you be disappointed if you’d ordered the second version and received the first instead…easy, but horrifying mistake to make.

This one isn’t necessarily a Cake Wannabe…but I had to share, if only to put to you the practical puzzle that is, how does anyone get to eat the top tier?! (And if it’s a dummy cake…don’t get me started on their being the worst of all the Cake Wannabes that exist. How dare polystyrene masquerade as Cake?! The world is turning into a scary place when Cake is being replaced with cake shaped bits of plastic…)

A cake made from raiding the Cake and Biscuit aisle in the Supermarket and piling it all up into a cake shape…genius.

Twinky Cake! (For my UK readers…I too had no idea what these were having only heard of their mysterious existence through passing comments made on US shows, so for your twinky-related education via the ever reliable source that is Wikipedia….’Twinkies are an American snack cake made and distributed by Hostess Brands. They are marketed as a “Golden Sponge Cake with Creamy Filling”. See, my blog can be educational…



 Crepe Cake!

Giant Truffle Cake

Cake Pop Cake

Another Doughnut creation for you…

Cannoli Cake!

Lots…and lots…of Pie. This would just about be an acceptable alternative to cake…just.

Profiteroles and of course a Brownie Tower…

I don’t care how little and cute the boxes of fruit are instead of a Cake…this is just genuinely wrong.

On the left is a load of meringues…also reasonably unacceptable as an alternative to Cake…

Macaroons and Oreos…

 It pains me to post this…but crimes against Cake must be reported to the world.

How would you like a jelly shot instead of Cake?!

Or er, why not just have an Ice…Cake?! Pretty, but you can imagine the level of extreme brain freeze taking a bite out of it…

Still at least it would be a good accompanier to a ‘Cake’ of Jagermeister…

And on that note, I believe I have taken you on a journey from the sublime to the ridiculous when it comes to Alternative Cakes.

And the lesson I hope you’ve all learned is, Cake is Best. Everyone expects it, everyone wants it, so give the people cake! And if you really have to have an alternative cake made up entirely of boxes, or doughnuts, or alcohol…at least let there be some cake…somewhere…for the love of cake!




This entry was posted in January 2010. Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to When you want ‘Cake’…but not Cake…

  1. Lindsey says:

    WTF is the third one down? Is it jelly? WHY??!!! And pork pie? Really? People are strange hey? I want to meet the kind of couple that have a jelly shot wedding cake though – they would be interesting… I hope it was in addition to a beautiful cake & it’s not an indicator of the kind of wedding! Fab post BTW.

  2. DulciaBakery says:

    Very informative

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s